Damaged
by shannyfish
Summary: Post 01x07 "Kiss Kiss, Bye Bye". Dutch and D'avin finally break the awkward and tense isolation between the two of them to talk about Johnny and who they are as people.


**Author's Note:** I really wanted to try my hand at "Killjoys" because it's my new obsession. I normally don't write anything until a full season is up, but it's SO GOOD. Will write something longer once season one has all aired. You can follow me on twitter shannyfish and tumblr shanyfishwriter for updates and sneak peeks or just to chat!

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 _"We don't meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our path for a reason."_

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The bruises were nothing. They'd heal…in time. It wasn't the physical blemish or even the tenderness of the area. None of that actually hurt. It was the fact that she KNEW that she could have killed D'avin and that she had thought about it for a mere moment. Even though she knew that she'd been fighting for her life in that moment, that D'avin hadn't been himself…it was that SHE had still been herself. Killing was what she'd been trained to do since she was a girl, she was terrified of what she might do…might have done…not just to D'av if he were to snap again (though she'd seen to it that that wouldn't happen), but to Johnny…

They were her family.

Her life.

But she was dangerous.

They were more important than any warrant. Dutch would gladly give her life for either (or both) of them without a second thought. They were her boys and it felt like after recent events, none of them could go back to the way things were…not really…even though that's all she desperately wanted (and was fairly sure what everyone absolutely needed).

"I saw Johnny."

Her head whipped to look at D'avin in the doorway. They'd been giving each other space and the air between them had been tense and awkward. The whole 'it's not you, it's me' talk probably hadn't helped things between them. Dutch had been sure that she could handle it, handle a relationship between her and D'avin…she'd wanted to believe that there could be hope for both of them.

"Good," Dutch replied. They needed to talk…about a lot of things…she knew that, but to be honest…neither one of them were talkers (especially when it came to feelings).

"Is that it?" D'avin asked. "Just…'good'? That's the only word I get from you in days?"

"What do you want me to say D'av?"

"I don't know…maybe we should talk about the crap hanging in between us that we don't want to talk about?"

"I already told you," Dutch said, but before she could say anymore, he was speaking.

He seemed irritated now. "I know. I know. It's not me being some programmed psycho killer, it's you—"

"That's not fair—"

"Isn't it?" He sighed and shook his head. "I told you days ago, I should just go…disappear like I did before. It's better that I'm not in Johnny's life…in either of your lives…"

Their eyes met and Dutch couldn't keep up the isolation that they'd held for days. She got up and moved towards him. "Don't say that…"

"It's true!"

Closing the distance between them, Dutch took his wrists and held them as she stared into his angry eyes, green seeking his blue. Her tone was authoritative and sincere all at the same time as she spoke. "Listen to me D'avin Jaqobis. Life sucks. You and I know that probably better than pretty much anyone in The Quad." She paused for a moment, seeking his eyes to see if anything she was saying was hitting home with him. "A year ago, I wouldn't have thought that Johnny and I needed anyone else…but I was wrong. We needed YOU. Johnny NEEDS you." Dutch sucked in a breath and her voice turned soft and quiet. "And I need you."

"Let's be honest, Dutch, you don't need anybody."

His tone was harsh, almost cold. It took her back a bit, but she knew that he was going through hell with everything that had happened. It wasn't just knowing what he'd done, it was REMEMBERING it. That was some hard shit for anyone to live with. Their eyes didn't leave each others' though.

"You're right…and wrong," she told him. "I could be alone… I could be out there doing what Khlyen trained me to do. Killing people. Not caring why, just killing because he commands it." Dutch took a moment to let that sink in. "Killing, it's not WHO I am…it's just what he TRAINED me to do." Sometimes that was hard to remember or even for HER to believe it. "I have so much blood on my hands, D'av—"

It was like a light clicked on in his eyes and he spoke up, to argue with her. This time, D'av's voice was gentle. "That's not who you are."

Dutch smiled. "I'm glad you think so…because you were wrong, too." She paused for a moment. "I need you and Johnny. It's more than just the job. The RAC. The warrants. It's family. You both came into my life and I didn't think that I needed anyone else, but I was wrong. WE are a family, D'av. You. Me. Johnny. Lucy. It's the fact that you both make me a better person…a person that I don't want to lose…"

Silence.

"Please," she practically pleaded, her smile faded when D'avin didn't speak up again. "Please don't go…at least not until Johnny's back and had some time to recover. If you absolutely don't feel like you can work with us anymore…be apart of our family…then…then I won't stop you…I'll convince Johnny to let you go." Dutch finally looked down, her eyes unable to hold his as she continued. "And I'll convince myself…"

"Hey…" D'avin whispered.

Before she could look up at him or say anything further, though, Lucy was alerting them to a call. Doctor Pawter wanted to talk to her about Johnny. Sighing, she briefly talked to the woman who was responsible for saving Johnny and making sure he was receiving such excellent care. Pawter was calling because Johnny was calling for her and she wanted to talk to her about the steps it would take for him to go home to Lucy and the continued care he was going to need. This all needed to be done in person.

Once the conversation was over with Pawter, she looked over to D'avin. She knew that he wouldn't be mad. It was for Johnny. "I want to continue this conversation…if you'll be here?" Dutch said slowly as she stared at him. She'd noticed that there was always renewed pain and guilt in his eyes whenever Johnny was mentioned. The hope that it would fade was the only thing she could think whenever he looked like that. That was all she could do for him. There was going to have to be a lot of healing for them all to do, but that would come in time.

"I'll be here," D'avin promised. "I'm going to try to sleep."

"Good," she said as she reached out to grab her blue leather jacket. "Hopefully this means that Johnny will be home soon and he's going to need both of us at one hundred percent."

"He looks better."

"He's strong."

D'avin smirked. "I think our dad would have considered him stubborn."

"Jaqobis trait?" she teased before reaching out and running her hand down his arm. A small smile came to his face, but it faded fast. She leaned in and kissed his cheek. "I'll be back soon for that talk, so sleep fast…"

"Pushy."

"I'm just the boss," she teased with a wink before she took a step away from him.

It wasn't easy.

Dutch really didn't want to leave D'avin alone. It wasn't that she feared that he would physically harm himself, but that the guilt would eat away at him…and that quite possibly…he wouldn't be there. That was what scared her most of all, that D'av wouldn't be able to cope and would drop off the map…like he'd done so long ago. She had no idea how she'd ever explain that to Johnny. They'd look for him, but she knew how long D'avin and Johnny had been separated before… Her hand gripped his hand for a moment before she finally let him go and headed out.

"Dutch?"

Stopping at the sound of her name, standing in the doorway, Dutch turned back to him. She didn't say anything. She just waited for him to say his peace.

"I'll be here when you get back," D'avin promised.

"Better be," she whispered. Dutch hoped that he was telling the truth, but she couldn't and wouldn't stay there on Lucy to babysit him when she had Johnny to go check on. D'avin had to make his own choices and she just had to hope that he was telling her the truth. That he'd be there when she returned. Turning, she left him behind on Lucy, trying not to dwell on worries. Her thoughts moved to Johnny, who was going to need all of them.

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The End.


End file.
